If Your Value Your Life, Do Not Drive in the UK

Look at my face to the right.  Does that look like a calm man?  No, no it does not.

So, I am telling you right now.  If you value your life--which I am sure you do--never ever, under any circumstances, drive a car in the U.K.  These people are crazy.  I mean, you think my postings on how British people will walk right into each other was upsetting, wait till you see what they do in cars.  Ever heard of the car game called chicken?  Holy crap!

So, here is the story,

My brother Warren just came to visit me.  Like my brother John, Warren loves cars.  I, on the other hand, despise cars.  Warren, being who he is, really wanted to rent a car.  And, because he is too smart for his own good, he had me.

"Brian, you said yourself, the train system here is not the greatest; and so, if we rent a car, we can see lots of things you cannot from a train, including the moors!"

Damn, I said to myself.  He's right.  I love the movie American Werewolf in London--stay out of the moors--and I love Bram Stocker's Dracula.   So, here was a chance to drive to Whitby, about a hour's drive from Durham, so we could drive through the famous Yorkshire Moors to the sea coast and see where Bram Stocker spent some of his summers.


"Okay, fine.  But if we die, Maggie is going to kill you."

Nuff said.

So, off we went to rent a car for three days.  Our destinations Whitby, Hadrian's Wall and York.

We went to get the car at one of the local rental joints.  So far, so good.  As we are about to leave I do a typical "brian thing" which drives both my brothers crazy, but i do not care, because i like living rather than looking cool.

So, i say to the rental guy, "Excuse me, but if you do not mind me asking, given that we have never driven in the U.K., do you have any words of wisdom?"

Amazingly, the guy took my question seriously.  He paused.  I mean, he genuinely paused, as all good Brits do, and just looked at us for what was probably a good minute.  Meanwhile, Warren is looking for any way to leave.

Finally, he says, "Well, I guess the rule of thumb, particularly in the turn-arounds, is if it looks like the other car is going to hit you, then stop."

Warren just looked at him like, that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

But, I will tell you right now, no sooner were we in the car ten minutes when this gentleman's rule applied.   By the way, look at how crammed into the driver seat Warren is!  Wow 


Suddenly!, there we were, in a turn-around.

"Sh*t Warren, that guy is not stopping."
"I know, look at that; what do we do?"
"Stop!!!!!"

We both laughed.  Again and again and over again, the rule applied.  If it looks like they are going to hit you, then stop!"  Why?  Because they will hit you.

Absolutely flustered by almost dying at least five times, Warren and I had what we thought was a brilliant idea to go out to the countryside to 'warm up' a bit, as they say.  It actually was a dumb F'n idea

A bit of background.  Back in 1982, when I turned 16--which is the legal age at which one is allowed to drive in the states--my dad took me out to the countryside.  He figured, as most sane people would, that the countryside means less traffic, more relaxed driving conditions, less likelihood of me killing anyone, including my dad, and therefore more room for beginner error.

Anything could be further from the case in the UK.

No sooner did Warren and I get off the highway when we realized we had made a very bad mistake.

First of all, the Brits, being the austere people they are, seem to have had the brilliant idea that, given that country roads are less traveled, one does not need two lanes.  So, they got rid of the one.  I am not kidding.  The damn road is just a little wider than your driveway.

Then, to 'up' the video-game feel of the whole thing, they planted hedgerows on both sides of the road so you cannot, no matter how hard you try, see anything coming until it is about to slam into you.

And, remember, also, the most important part: you are driving a car on the left side of the road but from what, in the states and the rest of the rational world, is the shot-gun seat, the passenger seat!"

And, to top things off, because of the odd placement of the driver, you as the passenger cannot be of any assistance, as you cannot see in the rear-view mirror or much of anything in your own side-view mirror.

In short, it feels like you are on a carnival ride that is about to go horribly wrong!

"Whoa, look out Warren!  You almost ripped off the side view mirror"
"Okay, okay, calm down.  You are freaking me out!"
"I'm serious.  Whoa!"  Baamm! We just scrape the side-view mirror.   Phew! 
"Where did the damn road go?"
"I don't know!" 
"Look out, stop!"
"What?
"That car is going to slam into us!"

AWWWWWWW!

We pull over.  Warren needs a cigarette and i need to throw up.

Don't dive in the UK.  it is a bad idea.  

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Here, by the way, are some pictures of the moors and Whitby--where, we did not know, Goth weekend was going on.  Twice a year Goths descend on this town to celebrate Bram Stocker.